Eat Lard

As a hopeful deity, I like to keep up with the practices of both my predecessors and contemporaries. Why reinvent the holy hand grenade, when there is an entire arsenal, tried and tested, to pick from the relevant religions of the world? An arsenal with proven results of keeping the flock content and ever so slightly grovelly? So well equipped, we’d practically only need to read off from a list.

So today, my fellow lard-eaters, make sure you’re wearing at the very least, a pair of rubber slippers and join me in the exercise in creating a religion from scratch. I’ve put some ideas down, but only as suggestions:

ü  Comprehensive Holy Book with a few words blurred/blanked out to create ambiguity and schisms. I’ve always liked there to be factions fighting over how to worship me better. Competition can only breed efficiencies.

ü  Continuity of life after death. Can’t forget this.

ü  Universal fairness, preferably delivered after death. A popular classic.

ü  Poverty, a VALUE. I want to attract the lower income masses AND give the wealthy something to work towards.

ü  Simplicity/ ignorance, a VALUE. You want to enable discussion and dispute within a FIXED space, after all. Can’t have the sheep dispute the damn concept of GRASS, you know?

ü  Communal worship. See point on competition above.

ü  Compelling Event. Either the world is going to end next week or the Almighty Aasvogel is coming again to kick ass and take names later. Get ready everyone!

ü  Terrible alternative. The always important stick with a nail in it. Red hot demonic penises, lake of fire, something classy like that.

ü  Add Guilt for flavor and garnish with lots of Symbolic Ritual.

We’re just getting started, you know? What about access to sex, fertility and wealth? Would we have a structured hierarchy? Based on what? Should we have a reformation? An Inquisition? A living embodiment of the deity? I’m thinking more points for creativity AND sustainability/longevity.

In the end, can we even agree that there should be huge fucking conceptual gaps and contradictions that need Belief to piece it together? We can’t do ALL the work, after all, right?

Oh, and do avoid open spaces and tall trees this monsoon.