Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: aasvogel, bastards, lard, more lard, Nibras Bawa
I’m Sorry. So very sorry. Its just been too hard to resist. When I was a merciless 10 year old without a conscience, the height of fun at my all boys school would be to pick on the ’special’ kid till he threw a wobbler, involving a lot of self directed violence and at least one bodily discharge. What a cruelly delicious treat for a bunch of prepubescent bastards.
It seems we’ve been doing that again, and this time I’ve been at the back of the line not getting any of the action; a fine tag team sport; creeping up behind your victim who invariably has a line of snot running down one side of his chin, kicking him in the pants and running really fast, while the next in line crept up behind ‘hotu bottuwa’ for his turn. Visually it’s quite impressive, its exactly the same way a pack of crows attack if you are 10 years old and have no damn sense and think you can take on the crows of Mount Lavinia Hotel’s Terrace with a stone.
Gladly some things have changed in the last twenty-something years. Mount Lavinia Hotel’s Terrace is now so damned expensive, i haven’t had a chance to see if the crows recognise me still. It’s also been a while since I’ve played ‘tag the bastard’ (local rules), mostly because the shifting sands of boyhood alliances resulted finally in my fellows deciding that for one day I should be ’piggy in the middle’, too.
Waving your arms about manically, making outrageous threats at everyone while bawling your eyes out with twin trails of snot, all the while smelling more and more of shit is truly juvenile. But so is ‘tag the bastard’ as played with any rules, if the result is more or the same.
I suppose it’s not a game I’ve entirely outgrown, either…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: aasvogel, belief, fish, lard, lightning, more fish, religion
As a hopeful deity, I like to keep up with the practices of both my predecessors and contemporaries. Why reinvent the holy hand grenade, when there is an entire arsenal, tried and tested, to pick from the relevant religions of the world? An arsenal with proven results of keeping the flock content and ever so slightly grovelly? So well equipped, we’d practically only need to read off from a list.
So today, my fellow lard-eaters, make sure you’re wearing at the very least, a pair of rubber slippers and join me in the exercise in creating a religion from scratch. I’ve put some ideas down, but only as suggestions:
ü Comprehensive Holy Book with a few words blurred/blanked out to create ambiguity and schisms. I’ve always liked there to be factions fighting over how to worship me better. Competition can only breed efficiencies.
ü Continuity of life after death. Can’t forget this.
ü Universal fairness, preferably delivered after death. A popular classic.
ü Poverty, a VALUE. I want to attract the lower income masses AND give the wealthy something to work towards.
ü Simplicity/ ignorance, a VALUE. You want to enable discussion and dispute within a FIXED space, after all. Can’t have the sheep dispute the damn concept of GRASS, you know?
ü Communal worship. See point on competition above.
ü Compelling Event. Either the world is going to end next week or the Almighty Aasvogel is coming again to kick ass and take names later. Get ready everyone!
ü Terrible alternative. The always important stick with a nail in it. Red hot demonic penises, lake of fire, something classy like that.
ü Add Guilt for flavor and garnish with lots of Symbolic Ritual.
We’re just getting started, you know? What about access to sex, fertility and wealth? Would we have a structured hierarchy? Based on what? Should we have a reformation? An Inquisition? A living embodiment of the deity? I’m thinking more points for creativity AND sustainability/longevity.
In the end, can we even agree that there should be huge fucking conceptual gaps and contradictions that need Belief to piece it together? We can’t do ALL the work, after all, right?
Oh, and do avoid open spaces and tall trees this monsoon.
