Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: bastards, belief, buddhism, butter, clover, cosmologies, faith, fish, lard, margarine, more lard, religion, sheep
Scene
A kitchen. Sparse, but with all the features of communal student living. It is surprisingly clean and bare, but for two things that catch the eye. A half empty bag of dry spaghetti lies splayed open on the rack next to some empty bottles. A small pot sits on the sink’s draining board. Yesterday’s warmed up baked beans are still in it. The quantity in the pot suggests that nothing has been eaten. Two young men sit at a table near the window. They sip tea from cracked mugs.
Charle-maan: Did he say he was coming?
Aasvogel: He just called and said he wanted to see me. Oh, man. It’s my time. I’ve tried to delay this but I can’t anymore.
C: Time to pay the piper.
A: He must have smelt me. My fear. He must have known I was vulnerable, dammit.
C: Over the phone. Can I wait and watch?
A: You are not leaving, dude. You are going to HELP a brother.
C: Yes! Hahaha!
B walks in. His eyes flash towards C and he stiffens, stops, then jerkily joins both at the table.
Ben: Hi C.
C: Hi!
B: Am I disturbing you, A? I didn’t realize you were busy.
A: Not really, C just swung bye, you know. You don’t mind C being here, right?
B: [Frowns] Not really.
A: So what’s on your mind?
B: A, Have you ever considered where God would fit in your life?
A: A few places suggest themselves.
B: Let me draw this for you; [scribbles on a sheet of paper] first there was God. God made earth. [draws a circle]
C: So you would have us believe.
B: Yes, I would. [adds a stick man] Then God made Man.
A: Why not?
B: Man denied God. [Crosses something out] Man tried to rule creation [Draws a little crown on the
man]. But Creation revolts against man! [crumples up paper]
A: Hang On!
C: Give us the paper!
A: There’s more to that story! Give it back!
B: No! But what if I can prove that Christianity is the One True Religion with three questions?
A: You will… what the fuck?
C: Ha ha bring it on!
B: OK. [Draws a grid on the other side of the paper.] The first question is: ‘is it internally consistent?’ as
in is it free of contradiction? And Christianity is!
C: [Laughs wildly] Oh for fuck’s sake!
A: No wait, I can see where this is going. Carry on, B.
B: [Ticks the first box]The second, is ‘is it externally consistent?’ as in does it match what evidence the world provides?
C: And it does?
B: Of course it does. [Ticks box two]
A: Fine. Keep going.
B: And finally, ‘Is it relevant to man?’ Which of course it is. [Ticks the last and sits back and looks at A and C.]
[Silence.]
A: Give ME the paper, freak. [Takes it] Thanks. Now, I know that technically Buddhism is not a religion, but it’s a belief structure and we’re going to treat it as one for this exercise, OK?
C: So question one: Is it internally consistent?
B: [Wails]I don’t know anything about Buddhism!
A: Shut up.
C: We do.
A: And Buddhism, you cretin, is internally consistent. It doesn’t contradict itself logically.
C: And it is externally consistent.
A: Yes, it matches with what we understand of the world, empirically speaking.
B: But,
C: Shut up. And it’s relevant to humanity. It discusses life, death good, evil and all things relevant to man. Got it?
[More silence.]
A: Screw this. [Walks over to the fridge, opens it, comes back with a tub of Clover – Butter Substitute. Puts it in the middle of the table.] This is our belief, B.
B: What? You’re making fun of this!
A: No, listen up: C and I are Cloverists: our belief structure is made up of a few simple premises. [Holds up the tub of Clover] One: Clover is a Spreadable Butter. Got it, fool?
B: Come on!
A: Which begs the question: ‘Why is Clover spreadable?’ The answer being: ‘Because there are Demons in the butter that make it spreadable.’ See, logical. Of course this prompts the next question: ‘Why cannot we see these Demons?’
C: The answer being, simply: ‘Because these demons are invisible.’ I challenge you to show any logical contradiction to this doctrine. It meets your first criteria, then? [Ticks first box]
A: And of course it is externally consistent, because see, the butter is both spreadable, and no, you CANNOT SEE ANY Demons. Can you?
C: And on the subject of relevance,
A & C: [Now practically shouting in joy] … spreadable butter is of immense relevance to our lives! [tick the rest of the grid and push it back to B]
[More Silence]
B: Please, just put the butter back in the fridge.
End.
